We all create horror scenarios in our heads when it comes to committing to recovering from an eating disorder. For me personally it was a whole list of things, which ended up all not being true whatsoever. I was always afraid that I would turn into this junk-food eating obese version of myself once I truly committed to gaining weight and letting go of food rules.
Recovery is different for everyone, but generally speaking there are some facts that apply to 99,9% of us.
You won't be obese or fat and no: you're not different
This has been one of my biggest insecurities. I've been weight restored for about 3 years and I've fluctuated a couple of pounds, but nothing drastically. Honestly; rationally I KNOW, thanks to evidence-based science, that every person has a setpoint weight. But this little voice in my head still pops up now and again telling me I shouldn't believe this and I'm different. It takes time to believe this concept, so understandably it will take a while for you to wrap your head around the fact that IT'S FREAKING TRUE.
The only thing I would suggest: try working with someone who focusses on body neutrality. Our bodies are constantly changing throughout our lives and if you have been suppressing your weight artificially by restriction, over-exersizing or implemented purging behaviors; it will take some time for your body to understand you're not in a famine/starvation period anymore and it can just settle at a comfortable weight.
You might not actually like that weight; but if that's the weight where your body functions properly.....you'll just have to be okay with it. That's where body neutrality practices come in. I would be lying if I said I wouldn't want to be a couple of pounds lighter, but I'd have to restrict my food to get there and we all know: that's not going to happen unless I want to be miserable for the rest of my life.
Recovering from your eating disorder is not as scary as you think
I'm not the biggest fan of "Losing control" and starting true recovery and committing to gaining weight felt like I lost all control. What the hell was I doing to myself?
At some point, I think 3 months in, I started to notice that I actually regained control over my body. I freaking did this. I was the person eating more food, not exercising and managed to reach a healthy weight. I DID THIS.
How's that for control?!
In the beginning I had constant panic attacks about how much I ate and how much weight I gained. It felt like this anxiety would never leave my body, but it did. It got easier and easier by the week and the anxiety was less frequent and less time consuming. We all know that facing your fears over and over again, makes them go away eventually. Don't get complacent. Get in action. Face your fears, until they're not fears anymore.
Life after your eating disorder will be so different
You might be someone who is "functioning" with an eating disorder, but let me tell you: you are not living a true authentic fulfilling life if you are constantly thinking about food, weight or exercise. That's not called life and it doesn't matter how many times you're telling yourself that this is now your life: IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE.
In this minute you're reading this, you have the choice to make a change. Start out small and keep doing it every single day.
I can't even compare my life to a couple of years ago when I was in the depth of anorexia. Yes, changing and committing to recovery was the scariest and most frightening thing ever. But SO worth it.