The real reason you’re still stuck in eating disorder recovery

There is something I see over and over again in eating disorder recovery, and it’s not a lack of knowledge, it’s not a lack of discipline, and it’s not even a lack of wanting to get better, it’s something much more subtle but also much more powerful, and that is the fact that you are still waiting.

You are waiting to feel ready, waiting for the fear to calm down, waiting for the moment where it finally feels like you can do it without everything in you resisting it, and in the meantime you keep asking yourself why you’re still stuck, why it’s not clicking, why it seems to work for other people but not for you, but what you’re not seeing is that the waiting itself is the thing that is keeping you exactly where you are.

Because eating disorder recovery does not begin when it feels safe, it does not begin when the thoughts are quiet, and it definitely does not begin when you suddenly feel motivated enough to do everything “right,” it begins in the exact moment where it still feels uncomfortable, where your head is loud, where your body feels wrong, and where every part of you wants to go back to what feels familiar and controlled.

And I want to say something important here, because this was me too, I also believed I wasn’t able to move forward because I didn’t feel ready, I felt like I needed to reach a point where it would feel more manageable first, and as long as I didn’t feel that, I told myself I couldn’t do it.

But underneath that, what I was really afraid of was something deeper, I was terrified of what would happen if I let go, I was scared of what I always described as a “beerput”* of emotions that would swallow me whole, like everything I had been avoiding would come up all at once and I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

*The Dutch word phrase "beerput of emotions" is a metaphorical way to describe a deep, often unpleasant reserve of buried or suppressed emotions. This metaphor evokes the imagery of a cesspit or underground container used for waste, suggesting that these emotions are not only hidden but also potentially toxic or overwhelming if not properly addressed.

And on top of that, my life already felt like it was being taken over, Lyme had such a grip on my life that the eating disorder almost became something I could hold onto, something that gave me a sense of identity, a sense of control, something that made me feel like I at least knew who I was within all of that chaos.

So the idea of letting that go didn’t just feel scary, it felt like losing the only thing that was keeping me together.

And what I never questioned at the time was this:

what if that “beerput” of emotions wouldn’t actually swallow me?

What if it wouldn’t be as overwhelming as I imagined?

What if I could actually handle it?

But I never allowed myself to go there, because the eating disorder doesn’t offer you balanced or alternative possibilities, it feeds you worst-case "OMG YOU'RE GONNA DIEEEEE' scenarios and presents them as facts, and that, my friends, is called ED manipulation.

And this is the part that most people don’t realize, you are not just afraid of the action, you are afraid of the story your eating disorder is telling you about what will happen if you take that action. So you're paralyzed.

And so you wait. And wait.

You wait for the fear to disappear, for the story to change, for the moment where it finally feels safe enough.

But that moment never comes.

Because the only way to change that story is through rewiring, and rewiring means that you do the thing before you feel able to do it, before you feel ready, before you feel like you are allowed to do it, and through doing it again and again, your brain starts to learn that what it predicted would happen… doesn’t actually happen. IT. IS. NOT. ROCKET. SCIENCE.

You don’t first feel safe and then act, you act while it still feels unsafe, and that is how safety is created.

That is what rewiring is, it is consistently doing the thing that scares you the most, staying with the discomfort, allowing the experience to unfold, and showing your brain, over and over again, that your body is not the problem, that the food is not the problem, that the feelings are not going to destroy you.

But most people stop too early, they feel the discomfort, they panic, they go back, and then they take that as proof that they can’t handle it, when in reality it simply means their brain hasn’t learned yet.

Because learning requires repetition, and repetition requires you to stay with something longer than you want to.

So the real reason you are stuck is not because you don’t know what to do, and it’s not because you’re not trying hard enough, it’s because you are still avoiding the feeling that would allow your brain to change.

And I get it, because I was there too, I was convinced that if I let go, everything would fall apart, but what I didn’t see at the time is that holding on was actually what was keeping me stuck.

And the moment I stopped waiting for it to feel right, and I started doing the things that felt wrong, scary, and uncomfortable, is the moment everything started to shift.

Not because it immediately felt better, but because I stayed long enough for my brain to learn that I was safe.

And that is your superpower, not motivation, not perfection, but the ability to say: this feels fucking uncomfortable, this feels so wrong, this feels scary, and I am still choosing to move forward.

So if you feel stuck, if you feel like you’re going in circles, if you feel like you’re trying but not getting anywhere, I want you to ask yourself one very honest question, not what should I do differently, but what am I not willing to feel right now, because the answer to that question will show you exactly where your next step is.

And the moment you decide to stop avoiding that feeling, even just a little bit, even just for one meal, one moment, one decision, is the moment you stop waiting and start rewiring your brain, and that is the moment recovery becomes real.

If you’re reading this and you recognize yourself in it, if you feel like you know what to do but you keep getting stuck in the same patterns, then it might not be more information you need, it might be more accountability and support while you actually do the work.

So there are a few ways you can start moving forward from here.

You can start with my DVK Recovery Method Guide, which is a very action-oriented guide designed to help you go from feeling stuck in your eating disorder recovery, to actually applying recovery step by step, and you’ll also get access to a really supportive WhatsApp community with people in all different stages of recovery.

Or, if you feel like you need something more personalized, you can book a session with me and we can look together at what would support you best, whether that’s a shorter-term plan or a more structured coaching program.

You don’t have to stay stuck in this, but you do have to stop waiting and start taking action.

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