Semi recovery // feeling a little vulnerable
’ve been putting some things on paper recently and since I’m the queen of being an open book; I’m going to share my latest thoughts and feeling about my own personal eating disorder recovery with you.
I’ve been wanting do to this earlier, but a lot of work related things got in the way and that meant I couldn't be glued to a screen anymore. So bare with me, because this piece of paper isn't my finest english, plus it’s not as elaborate as I wanted it to be.
Here’s the thing: this past week I’ve been struggling a bit more with eating disordered thoughts. I still know that I’m on the right track to be completely mentally free. But I’m also aware that neural rewiring TAKES TIME. (aka creating new pathways, meaning unlearning old toxic ed related behaviours and thoughts and re-learning new behaviours and thoughts).
I can't emphasise enough how important it is not to get complacent in recovery, because semi-recovery is a dangerous position to be in.
Things might seem sort of okayish RIGHT NOW, but if you’re still mentally and physically torturing yourself on a daily or weekly basis because of something you just ate or how much you exercised that week: YOU STILL NEED TO WORK ON FACING YOUR FEARS.
still have chronic Lyme and that means I’m in chronic pain, usually exhausted but yet I’m trying to grow my online business, maintain a social life with alcohol involved (FYI: I don’t ever drink until I’m waisted and after 12 years of no drinking, I’m REALLY happy alcohol isn’t a fear of mine anymore and I seem to tolerate it pretty well so far. “knock on wood”) AND I have a boyfriend for the first time in my life who challenges me to get out of my comfort zone, be vulnerable, open and letting my guard down is so scary.… But also really cathartic and incredibly helpful. Hence I feel more anxious, because I’m challenging myself more in every aspect of life.
I haven’t tackled all my fear foods in the past three years and that means I need to start RIGHT NOW and continue until things aren't a fear anymore. To give you an example: crisps/chips were a huge fear of mine, so of course I craved it Every. Single. Day.
But I was too afraid to even have one chip. So I’ve been literally eating chips every single day for the past two weeks and 1. I’m done with chips for a couple of days. LOL.
and 2. They are no longer a fear! It’s super obvious and simple, but this is how it works with every fear food or compulsive behaviour.
Lastly: I’m still secretly afraid of getting “fat”. Whatever that means. I’m a pretty big eater, but knowing my genetics, I have a small frame and I have been at this weight for three solid years with a little tiny fluctuation of maybe 2/3/4 kilos. (I don’t weigh myself, so I’m not accurate).
And this is my conclusion of the day: I DON’T WANT TO CARE ANYMORE. I'm about to be a body positive facilitator, damn it. I can't think of myself like this. Plus I want to be a good role model for young girls.
So IF I get fat, then what? (It's all in my head. I rationally know this, but we former anorexics tend to nitpick at our bodies and there’s always something that could be better, tighter etc.)
It’s not the end of the world to have some extra cushioning if that means I have complete freedom, no anxiety, I can eat whatever I want and not be controlled by any rules.
I want that complete free life and although it’s a tough road ahead, it’s in my power and I know I can make that realization a reality. I’ve come so far, it’s just a few more hurdles, a bit more facing fears, vulnerabilty, falling flat on my face and getting up again.
Talking about being vulnerable: It’s kind of a thing to share this, but I don't want to pretend I’m completely free of eating disordered thoughts. I still consider myself on the path of full recovery.
I love coaching other women who struggle with eating disorders and I'm proud to say most of my clients (still feels weird to say that) have made some amazing strides in their recovery.
But sometimes I need to have my own coach as well. ;)
Thanks for listening. :)